If you’ve ever gone for a hike, you likely have experienced the false hope of thinking that your destination is “just around the next bend” or “over the next hill.” My recovery from shoulder surgery feels much the same way.

Back in October, when I first had surgery, I was looking forward to my first appointment, roughly 7 weeks post-op, where I would be able to take my sling off. From there, I set my sights on January 1, when I was first cleared to ride outside on the road. In late January, I was cleared to ride “smooth gravel” (and then promptly got hit by a car and broke my gravel bike), but was eagerly waiting for the end of February, when I’d be allowed to start riding trails.

At each of these mileposts, there was the momentary elation of making progress in my recovery, followed by the near-immediate disappointment at how weak / limited my shoulder still felt. When I started mountain biking just over a week ago, I was optimistic, as I’d been working hard at PT and in the gym and felt strong–and then my front wheel bounced all over the trail in only the loosest semblance of control due to the lack of strength in my shoulder. My perception of my own skill varied as much as the terrain: I felt smooth and confident in one moment, and equally terrified and incompetent in the next.

I try to remember that this is a process, that I can’t expect to be at 100% in my first week back, that I should give myself grace to find my skill and strength and speed again. But as always, I’m my own worst enemy, piling on the pressure to “perform”–even if performance only means meeting my own shifting (and high) expectations…all while being absolutely terrified of crashing and re-injuring myself. It’s hard to ignore the goals I’ve set for myself, with timelines not my own, looming in the not-so-distant future. I don’t get to choose when National Championships happen; I just have to show up and do the best I can on that day.

As I navigate the next few weeks of recovery before getting cleared (hopefully) to race starting in April, I’m choosing grace.

What does that mean?

• Be patient with progress. Push into the fear, but simultaneously recognize where my limits are. Remember that it’s ok to be scared. Confidence will come with practice. Just keep riding.
• Celebrate the little wins. Riding longer than 90 minutes on singletrack without shoulder pain? Win. Clearing a big rock garden (even while putting a foot down on a smaller technical climbing move)? Win. Pushing into a corner or clearing a switchback smoothly? Win.
• Stay consistent. The phrase “keep stacking bricks” gets used a lot in the endurance space, but there’s a reason for it. The consistent accumulation of practice goes so much further than one stellar workout. Right here, right now, that means consistency in doing my shoulder PT work, consistency in strength work in the gym, consistency in power & endurance work on the bike, and consistency in practicing skills on the bike (even if its just 15 minutes before/after a workout, or during the rest between efforts).

In the end, it really comes back to the mantra that defined most of my 2024 race season: stay curious. Just because I’m weak or hurting or scared today doesn’t mean that I’l still feel that way in June. Like being on a hike, we never really know what’s around that next bend or over the next hill–but if we’re going to find out, we have to keep on moving forward!